NOW I'M SCARED

Hi. I spoke with the surgery scheduler yesterday and the date they have for me is Friday, August 21, so there it is. NOW I feel afraid. The idea of having my ovaries removed surfaces a slew of thoughts, feelings, and realizations. That, combined with the fact that my breast is still warm to the touch and a bit hard, despite being nearly done with the anti-biotics, is starting to wear on me. I need to check out the website that Nat told me about Hyster Sisters. I won't be having a full hysterectomy, but I'm sure it will be helpful to read of other women's experiences with oophorectomies and the aftermath. I don't feel much like writing at the moment. I need to go into town to do some errands for work. I really want to lay low today. I feel worn out. Worked until 9:30 p.m. last night. Running low on food and money. Nervous about the rise in my health insurance premium and co-pays. Have to have faith that all is well. Will send off the package to the national VA suicide prevention coordinator as soon as I get some books from my publisher, which should be today or tomorrow. I'm having fun creating artwork for the show on July 25. I had a dream last night in which I was contemplating grad school again to be a children's therapist. Hmm. I just wish it didn't take two years to get a degree. Maybe I need to rethink the grad school idea. First things first, though. Surgery August 21, then the post-menopausal emotions. That's what scares me most. The other feelings are grief at never bearing children, even though I've never felt strongly about doing so. It's just the fact that I won't be able to after August 21 that feels sad and like a waste.

I definitely feel nervous about this because my chest is fluttering. I'm going to sign off and do what I have to do before going to work.

Love,
Sue

STILL WAITING

Hi. I still haven't heard from my gynecologist's office about a surgery date, so I'm going to call as soon as I finish this post. It's been almost a week since I talked to her. I feel fine about the decision, not nervous, at least I don't think so. I've been very tired, especially yesterday. I took the day off and, after my morning household duties went back to bed until 5:30 p.m. Woke up tired today. Could be from my period, the mastitis, the Keflex, who knows. My breast is still sore and still warmer than the other one, but I still have more Keflex to take. I'm starting to feel worried about it. I'm going to Email my oncologist and tell her, rather than go through the nurse at the oncology suite. Monday night I cut off part of my fingertip (ouch!) while chopping cilantro at Barb's house. The agony was great, but the injury is healing very nicely, although it looks like I got it caught in a Cuisenart for about a half a second. Isn't this picture a riot? A bear waiting for a picnic.

I've been in touch with the National Suicide Prevention Coordinator for the Veteran's Administration and she is interested in reading my book. My editor is sending me some to send to her. I wrote back and told her that I'm very interested in touring the VA hospitals and speaking to their suicide prevention groups. Ideally, I would like my publisher to donate one book to each VA hospital so the individual suicide prevention coordinators can read it and hopefully buy some for their patients. I've been working on a Crisis Plan brochure too, which takes the instructions for creating a crisis plan and puts it in a smaller, handy form. I plan to send several to each VA hospital in the country, in the hopes that they will buy some to have on hand. It promotes my website and the book heavily. Feels good to be getting back into book promotion again.


In terms of the breast cancer, I've been having moments of awakening when I realize I am living a different life now, post-cancer. I didn't think that would happen. I wonder if the fret of recurrence ever goes away? I feel much more self-protective in terms of what I will and will not allow in my life, and aside from financial strains, I feel at ease. Even money feels less of a burden now, even though it's really no better. I had thought I was making progress, then my insurance changed and my net will be less than it was. BUT, I am putting a lot of energy into cultivating more income, including advertising as a dog walker. The company is called Happy Tales. Here is my logo. If you know anyone who needs help walking their dog or needs a dogsitter, etc., give them my number or E-mail. I'm pursuing licensure, etc., although I think that's a whole lot of whooey. OK. I'm off to walk my own dogs then possibly rest before going to work. I've been designing earrings and collages with Tibetan imagery using decoupage for my show at the store on July 25. The earrings are super cool. I love them. Very unique.

Be well all. I wish you a happy day today.

Love,
Sue

PERIOD'S BACK

Tonight I got my period for the first time in six months. Hmm. Dr. Katz said it might not come back for a year or more. Once the ovaries are gone I won't have one ever again, which is fine by me. I was very surprised to get it. Just wanted to record it here so I can remember the date when they ask. Goodnight.

Love,
Sue

YEAST AND FATIGUE

Lovely. Now that I'm on Keflex for the breast mastitis, I'm getting a yeast infection. Oye ya yoy. And yeast infections make me tired. Here is a bit of info about Keflex and yeast infections: Use of this medication for prolonged or repeated periods may result in oral thrush or a new vaginal yeast infection (oral or vaginal fungal infection). Contact your doctor if you notice white patches in your mouth, a change in vaginal discharge or other new symptoms. So, I went to bed at about 9:30 p.m. and slept until 10:30 a.m. I was going to work at Jack's today, but I think I'm going to lay low and work on art projects for my art show on July 25. It's a perfect day. I bounced two checks at the end of last week. Such a drag because I've been being very careful and I even balanced my checkbook for the last six months in an attempt to get on track. I forgot about an automatic withdrawal for car insurance. This has happened before. I'm going to call and cancel the auto withdrawal. That will give me more peace of mind. Still no word about a date for the oophorectomy. My breast is hard and sore. I'm thinking even on the Keflex I should go see a boob specialist even though I saw my primary last week. Oye, the boob. Maybe the mastitis is making me tired too.

What a match yesterday!!!!!! Wow! I was on the edge of my seat. Well, not really, but my chest was fluttering with excitement. Such tremendous athletes. I felt sorry for Roddick. I spent the rest of the day hanging out at Paul and Charleen's. Very relaxing. Watched a few episodes of The Twilight Zone with Paul and promptly fell asleep. I'm off to pay my gas bill and then relax for the day. Free soup and game night at Hope and Olive tonight. I'm all over it.

Love you all,
Sue

ON BEING ME

I tell ya, it is so lovely to wake up in the morning and feel like myself again. I set my alarm for 8:30 a.m. this morning and actually felt like an entire human person when it went off! Lovely. I'm headed off to watch the Wimbledon final at Paul and Charleen's house. I'm routing for Federer. I like his demeanor and he's such an amazing athlete. No new news on the ovary front. Waiting to hear from the surgery scheduler. Breast is still sore due to mastitis, and I keep forgetting to take the Keflex because it's every eight hours - weird - what am I supposed to do, wake up at 3 a.m. and take it? Shoulder feels strong, a little sore from this morning's exercises.

Have a splendid day. I plan to.

Love,
Sue