Tuesday, November 10, 2009

HEAVY HEAVY

Sorry I haven't written as of late. On Monday a close friend of mine found out she has breast cancer. She's in her early thirties. I can't believe it. All of you women out there that don't get mammograms are playing with fire. She went in for a routine physical just on a whim, and the doc found a lump. She had an ultrasound biopsy last week, and found out yesterday: stage one. She was at my birthday party on Saturday and slept over after the party. We had a great time reconnecting (she's from out of state). I'm keeping her in my thoughts and prayers. It's a blessing to be able to help her. She is the first person close to me to get breast cancer. I know full well what she meant when she said, "It's just so surreal. I want to go back to sleep and wake up and start the day over again."

Tonight at Amandla Chorus rehearsal, I just burst into sobs while we sang Peace Be With You by Jim Scott. I stood there and cried and wept while the chorus surrounded me and sang. I was singing for her and I was singing for me and the combination brought on the waters.

MRI RESULTS ARE IN
Everything looks fine. But, no one has mentioned my left breast and a biopsy on that thickening area. What happened with that. Just writing it I feel my heat rising. So fucking angry at cancer and the fact that I have to be ON TOP of all of this stuff. Why hasn't anyone mentioned it? Dr. Miller and the radiologist who did my ultrasound both thought it should be biopsied. Now suddenly all is quiet on the left boob front. It's just so frustrating: "Well, does that mean I can stop worrying about my left breast, or does that mean they just forgot? Or does that mean wires got crossed and no one made note of it in the first place?" Why, suddenly, after two physicians think I need a biopsy do I suddenly NOT need a biopsy. They all say that MRIs don't necessarily give consistent results. It's exasperating. I'm getting upset as I write this so I'm going to close.

I'm really tired and feel fragile and thin.

Love to you,
Sue

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

MRI #2 AND OVARY PICS

This post is not for the faint of heart. As promised long ago, I present here the photographs taken inside of my body during the oophorectomy. To set the record straight, Duke Ellington was not in residence at the time of surgery, but I offer his picture here as a buffer for those of you who prefer to keep the insides of your body on the inside. I mention The Duke because today is my bilateral MRI at 1:30 p.m. down at Baystate in Springfield, and I'm driving myself. I've decided to bring along a Self Care Kit to help make the experience as easy as possible. Number one in my kit is a biography about Duke Ellington that I'm reading. What an amazing cat! The book is called Beyond Category: The Life an dGenius of Duke Ellington. I plan to read a while after the procedure, sitting in the cafe or lobby, to get my bearings before driving home. I've worn my LOVE socks just for the occasion.

SELF CARE KIT
1. Duke Ellington book
2. Bag of Celestial Seasonings blueberry tea (I'll get hot water in the cafe)
3. Hand lotion (always a good self-soother)
4. Amandla music (to practice for chorus)
5. Amandla rehearsal recordings (tiny recorder that I use to tape rehearsals)
6. Chapstick
7. A smile and deep breath

THE PICTURES
Grab your coat and don your hat. Here they are. My lovely insides. One: "Ovaries" -- very original composition. I think the fat in the upper left corner adds a nice touch, especially that lovely yellow tone. Two: "Tangering Cyst" -- need I say more. Three: "Endometriosis" -- I particularly like the perspective and the dramatic sweep.

Enjoy. I'm on my way to Jack's for a few hours before heading down to the MRI. This is a follow-up MRI to the one they took last fall.

Love,
Sue





Monday, November 2, 2009

BACK ON TRACK

Greetings. After a good night's sleep courtesy of Ambien (sp?) I feel almost back to normal. Probably slept ten hours, though I did lay awake this morning from 7 to 8 a.m. I've worked out a schedule to make life easier this week. No more three-job days for moi. Wednesday is the bilateral MRI at Baystate Comprehensive Breast Center. Kind of a bummer, I haven't been able to find anyone to drive me. I think I'm going to drive myself, which I don't think will be a big deal since I have nothing else to do that day. I can just hang out at the hospital for a little while after the procedure to regroup.

Six more days until the party! I started putting together the slideshow last night. Maybe if I can figure out modern technology I'll create a link here so you too can watch it.

How is everyone? What is your day like today? It's beautiful here, bright and crispy. I can't think of anything else to write about, which is odd for me. But I will close none the less.

Wishing you a fabulous day,
Sue

Friday, October 30, 2009

TOTALLY STRESSED OUT

OYE VEY! am I ever stressed out. It's been one heck of a day and it's not over yet. I have to have to do something about my work schedule. It's ridiculous. Today I've worked three different jobs - each completely different from the other: bookkeeping/admin to visual merchandising to retail management. No way can I keep this up. I thought if I blogged about it I'd feel better. So far it's working a bit. At least I sweat like a pig at Wilson's this afternoon because I was working so fast to get the displays done before leaving to come here to the store. This was the first day that Wilson's wasn't fun. I almost started crying when the forms I was working with starting leaning like the Tower of Piza. Some of the stands are wobbly and I was out of the non-wobbly ones. I'm at work #3 now. I don't know how people do it who work two full-time jobs to pay the bills. I'd be burnt toast. I've decided to close the store this Sunday so I can rest. Monday is the start of Christmas decorations at Wilson's and it's a big push to have everything done by Thanksgiving. Plus, it's pretty good money and I'm putting all I can toward paying down my credit card. I'm happy to report that I'm caught up on all of my bills, I've been able to pay back one person's loan, I'm chipping away at my back balance from therapy, and I've met my first goal in the credit card pay down: I've got it under $7,000. Next goal: have it under $6,500 by the end of the year. I don't feel well, though, spread way to thin.

WHAT I NEED
I need someone to drive me down to Baystate in Springfield on Wednesday for the MRI. We have to be there at 1 p.m., so we'd leave at noon just to play it safe. If you can give me a ride, please let me know. It dawned on me that in addition to everything that's going on, I have an MRI scheduled for next Wednesday, which is a follow-up to the MRI they did prior to surgery last fall. Of course, this must be triggering stress and fear. I hope someone can help with the drive.

I took two sleeping meds last night and did sleep a bit better. Plus I had the window way open so the room was cool, and I didn't read in bed. I just relaxed and laid there and started to get sleepy, turned off my light, and gradually fell asleep. I'll try that tactic again tonight. Last night one of my housemates and I watched Spike Lee's When the Levees Broke: A Requiem in Four Acts. Powerful and sad and exasperating. I can't believe Bush and his cronies got away with that scott free. It's a documentary plush with firsthand accounts, original footage, and a clear recounting of the events leading up to, during, and after the storm. The horrors of Hurricane Katrina go well beyond unbelievable. So much could have been done by the Bush Administration that wasn't. Did you know that rather than tend to the emergency immediately after Hurricane Katrina hit, Secretary of State Condalisa Rice was confronted by a customer in a New York City department store where Rice was busy buying designer shoes? Then Rice went to see Monty Python's Spamalot on Broadway. When the audience members began to recognize her the whole place booed. Can you imagine? Instead of responding with alacrity, President Bush celebrated John McCain’s birthday at Luke Air Force Base near Phoenix during his month-long vacation in Texas; Dick Cheney was fly fishing in Jackson, Wyoming; Secretary of Homeland Security Michael Chertoff, who oversaw FEMA, flew to Atlanta to attend a conference on the avian bird flu. When the Levees Broke is hard to watch, but it's worth the discomfort. I had borrowed it from the library a while ago, but never watched it; I knew it would be too painful. I borrowed it again the other day and last night for some reason I was ready.

OK. I suppose I should work a little. I'm so excited to go home and get into my pajamas. Then tomorrow 12-8; Sunday off; Monday all day Christmas; Tuesday off; Wednesday MRI; Thursday all day bookkeeping then Christmas then evening at the store; Friday all day Christmas then evening at the store; Saturday PARTY! Not that my work schedule is of any interest to you, but it helps me to write it down (or type it down as the case may be). I've decided to give myself a break and have the food catered for the party. Nothing too fancy, probably yummy wraps cut in thirds, and a vegetable platter and some other fingery food. As low maintenance as possible. That feels like a good decision.

Ciao,
Sue (the one with the aching calves) mooooo

Thursday, October 29, 2009

5 - TIRED BUT OK

The oxycodone I took last night didn't help too much in terms of keeping me asleep, but it did relax me so I wasn't stressed out about it. I woke up way too early and did my best to enjoy the solitude rather than fret about being too tired today. Got up with my alarm at 7:30 a.m., and am about to walk the dogs before going to work. I feel less tired than yesterday and less spent. I think the oxy gave me a few good hours. Tonight I'll try the Ambien. I dropped off the prescription last night. If anyone has insomnia tips I'm all ears. Through the course of the night I realized that it is, indeed, the hot flashes (or flushes) that wake me up. I'm not drenched in sweat, but my body temperature rises high enough that I'm a hot water bottle, and that heat wakes me up. I push of the covers, cool down, maybe fall back to sleep, maybe not.

It helped to only have two animals in my bed instead of three. Furry animals, that is. I haven't had an animal in my bed for a long time. I love to spoon with my dog Honey, but I think that's going to have to cease. Too hot. He's like a little space heater, which does not bode well for the flashy flushes.

Have a great day, everyone, and thanks.

Love,
Sue